We are all told how to get and maintain good health, but what if you don’t want that? How many of you would prefer to slog through life and not do another healthy thing for yourself because it’s just too much fucking work? Well, darlins, this blog is for you:
- Eat products that come in a can or box and have a “best by” date of a year or more from now. Must be some powerful healthy food to last that long, right?
- Buy most of your groceries from the center aisles of the grocery store, because a complete meal in a box says it has all the nutrients you need.
- Buy items with exotic names that you cannot pronounce, because it must be Latin or something, and you were never good at science anyway.
- Eat food that has advertising campaigns. They must be really fucking awesome if they can afford to appear during a bowl game.
- Do not do ANY form of exercise or stress relief. Seriously, who has an extra 30 minutes a day to spend on themselves? You could be watching Netflix, dude.
- Drink only flavored water, cuz seriously… what’s up with the plain stuff?
- Drink diet soda. You gotta get your sodium intake in, and if you skip lunch, you can have two or three.
- Don’t eat any fruit because it’s high in sugar, and it makes you poop more, and you fucking HATE doing that everyday!
- Eat out almost exclusively. They know how to cook better than you, and dessert is always available.
- Eat a lot of beige food. French fries and McNuggets are da bomb! And did you see? Dude, Burger King brought Chicken Fries back!
When you’re “sick, fat and nearly dead” as the title of the popular book proclaims….. get in touch.